Worthy

Today this is where I'm starting because it's the least stressful item on my to-do list.  I have a big lecture exam in Bio 111 tomorrow. I have a big lab practical in Bio 111 tomorrow, as well. For all my efforts to let go of perfectionism, this is the kind of week I struggle with the most. Intellectually I know I just have to work hard and let go, but I have goals that depend on how well I do in classes like Bio.  If I want to be accepted into a nursing program a B just won't cut it. This is a tough concept for a recovering perfectionist.  In some moments I feel overwhelmed with the sheer volume of information that I need to learn. It can be difficult to move forward. In other moments I think I've already spent so much time on trying to learn everything that deciding what to do next becomes an enigma because I don't know what will be the most valuable. 

I know I will figure this out. I felt similar before the first test, but it was smaller, and on easier concepts, I worked hard and got an A. This is a  like so many things in life. It's relatively easy to not be a perfectionist if your opinion is the only one that matters, it's a lot harder when your work will be graded and used to demonstrate not just your proficiency, but also quite possibly your worth, at least in this  capacity. 

There is the bottom line, the thing to remember. My worth doesn't come from my grades any more than it comes from having a clean house, or a small butt (never have, never will). My worth is intrinsic. In the end I will get it all done, or not, I will pass with flying colors, or not, but my worth won't change. I won't be defined by my successes or my failures.  My worth is already established, this test won't change it.

Happy Birthday

Tomorrow, or if we are to get technical, in two hours, My baby girl will turn five.  Her due date was February 28th. She was born on March 5th. You could possibly imagine how uncomfortable I was. She was my seventh child. On a pretty regular basis I had to say things like, "She'll be here by May" (said with a smile- OK maybe it was a grimace) just so I didn't panic about her being overdue. When you're more than a week overdue every day feels like eternity. As I look back on her birth, the blessings I received are so apparent.  I was in the hospital for eleven minutes before she was born. That may not seem like a blessing to you, but it was for me. I wanted a birth with as little intervention as possible. I got it. I labored slow enough at home that we weren't sure she would be born on March 5th, but my contractions sped up for a little while and then slowed down again. That meant that my Mom and one of my best friends could be present for her birthday party. And man, what a party we had! I brought my four oldest children to see their baby sister be born. She was healthy, and we were all happy and in awe of that timeless, amazing process.

We still are. Happy, I mean. In so many ways happiness comes down to the basics like health. It also is about recognizing the good things. I know, I know, we all watched that Oprah 10 years or so ago about gratitude journals, but really, good principles never go out of style. Gratitude is a good principle.

Tonight my heart is full of gratitude for each of my sweet children, not just our baby. I have a lot of blessings: my marriage to a man I'm so in love with, my home that I waited seventeen years to buy, a house full of laughter,  good friends that offer supportive shoulders to cry on and listening ears and fun, a God that loves me and helps me feel that love everyday, a really good mind that I can expand and grow. And so, so, many more things.  On this day to celebrate my baby's birth and hopefully on many other days, I can see these things SO clearly. I hope you, too, are blessed with this kind of clarity, the kind that produces smiles and an increase of love for all those around you.

Happy Birthday.