Doubt is part of the process, I guess.

Today I feel guilty. My house is a wreck. I'm torn between cleaning it and writing my paper and studying for my Spanish test. I have a stupendous headache, and I'm sure many of the emotions bubbling to the surface are hormone induced. If you don't know what I mean, well, lucky you.

I went out for valentines day with my sweetie last night and had a great time until I let those feelings of guilt and worry about being away from the kids, again, filter in and turn things a bit sour. It's tough for me to reconcile two things I know are right, but seem to conflict. Logically I know the kids are doing fine. My oldest children are able bodied and willing to support me in this endeavor I call school. I worry a lot about putting too much on their young shoulders. Will too much responsibility turn into a burden, or will it help them learn life lessons that only responsibility can teach?  I imagine this is what every mother struggles with ultimately. The need to teach our children and the desire to protect them.   I worry about the things that only a mother notices. If I'm so caught up in tests, papers, class, discussion boards and assignments am I really capable of catching those things that only a mother notices. I worry about the things I will inevitably let slip through the cracks and won't realize until it's obvious, and obviously way to late.

In about a weeks time I'll feel better. I always do, if you know what I mean. I'll be more optimistic and less whiny and worried.  I even feel better having gotten some of this out of my head. For now though. I'll just thank you for listening to my hormone induced worry. I'm grateful to my English professor for the assignment to blog. Until I sat down to write this I hadn't even acknowledged exactly how I was feeling. I used a dozen tissues, and cried for a while as I processed emotionally. Maybe you all know exactly what creates your anxiety, but I am usually to busy to stop and just feel.  Writing about these things forces me to feel them, and while I know they are deeply personal, I don't begin to imagine I'm unique in my worries.

For anybody who has gone through this journey, or is going through it, I'd love to hear your stories, advice, and encouragement.

Thanks,
Brenda