Worthy

Today this is where I'm starting because it's the least stressful item on my to-do list.  I have a big lecture exam in Bio 111 tomorrow. I have a big lab practical in Bio 111 tomorrow, as well. For all my efforts to let go of perfectionism, this is the kind of week I struggle with the most. Intellectually I know I just have to work hard and let go, but I have goals that depend on how well I do in classes like Bio.  If I want to be accepted into a nursing program a B just won't cut it. This is a tough concept for a recovering perfectionist.  In some moments I feel overwhelmed with the sheer volume of information that I need to learn. It can be difficult to move forward. In other moments I think I've already spent so much time on trying to learn everything that deciding what to do next becomes an enigma because I don't know what will be the most valuable. 

I know I will figure this out. I felt similar before the first test, but it was smaller, and on easier concepts, I worked hard and got an A. This is a  like so many things in life. It's relatively easy to not be a perfectionist if your opinion is the only one that matters, it's a lot harder when your work will be graded and used to demonstrate not just your proficiency, but also quite possibly your worth, at least in this  capacity. 

There is the bottom line, the thing to remember. My worth doesn't come from my grades any more than it comes from having a clean house, or a small butt (never have, never will). My worth is intrinsic. In the end I will get it all done, or not, I will pass with flying colors, or not, but my worth won't change. I won't be defined by my successes or my failures.  My worth is already established, this test won't change it.

Happy Birthday

Tomorrow, or if we are to get technical, in two hours, My baby girl will turn five.  Her due date was February 28th. She was born on March 5th. You could possibly imagine how uncomfortable I was. She was my seventh child. On a pretty regular basis I had to say things like, "She'll be here by May" (said with a smile- OK maybe it was a grimace) just so I didn't panic about her being overdue. When you're more than a week overdue every day feels like eternity. As I look back on her birth, the blessings I received are so apparent.  I was in the hospital for eleven minutes before she was born. That may not seem like a blessing to you, but it was for me. I wanted a birth with as little intervention as possible. I got it. I labored slow enough at home that we weren't sure she would be born on March 5th, but my contractions sped up for a little while and then slowed down again. That meant that my Mom and one of my best friends could be present for her birthday party. And man, what a party we had! I brought my four oldest children to see their baby sister be born. She was healthy, and we were all happy and in awe of that timeless, amazing process.

We still are. Happy, I mean. In so many ways happiness comes down to the basics like health. It also is about recognizing the good things. I know, I know, we all watched that Oprah 10 years or so ago about gratitude journals, but really, good principles never go out of style. Gratitude is a good principle.

Tonight my heart is full of gratitude for each of my sweet children, not just our baby. I have a lot of blessings: my marriage to a man I'm so in love with, my home that I waited seventeen years to buy, a house full of laughter,  good friends that offer supportive shoulders to cry on and listening ears and fun, a God that loves me and helps me feel that love everyday, a really good mind that I can expand and grow. And so, so, many more things.  On this day to celebrate my baby's birth and hopefully on many other days, I can see these things SO clearly. I hope you, too, are blessed with this kind of clarity, the kind that produces smiles and an increase of love for all those around you.

Happy Birthday.

The wee hours

I wonder what the allure of the wee hours really is. Is it the quiet. Is it the last vestiges of childhood; certainly I'm not the only one with memories full of the dreaded bedtime. Is it that I'm so used to having my head full of to do lists, chores, assignments, budgeting, kids schedules, menus, shopping, writing, cell membrane transport systems (yes, that is what I'm studying in bio) and so, so  much more that it's hard to turn my brain off.  I can't blame school work tonight. I got it done hours ago.

Tonight I picked up a book I bought months ago, and I just finished it. I try really hard to live with acceptance of, and to take responsibility for, all my choices.  I think guilt is a useless emotion that hinders more than it will ever help, but I feel a little guilty for reading for the past few hours instead of doing something "productive". Now, if you and I were having this conversation face to face, I'd be able to say all the right things. "I know it's good to do something for myself", and "One night of reading will not make a difference in the long run", things like that. I can't help but wonder though, will it make a difference? Is this the best thing I could have chosen? The answer to both is, probably not. It's one a.m. again and that's okay. My day tomorrow will be a little less stellar because of course I'll be tired and  I will eventually have to do that which I put off. Sometimes though, it feels good to do what I want to do, not what I have to do, even if that want is just reading a silly novel.

Twitchy me

Time heals all wounds, and almost all stresses.I feel much better than I did a few days ago. I'm not deluding myself, this next week will bring it's own set of challenges. But, in retrospect last week's challenges weren't that bad. The kids and I tackled the house, and made living here a little bit more pleasant.  I got a 93% on my bio test, yay me!  I took my Spanish test, and although grades aren't back yet, I think it went OK. I'm settling into a groove and the studying doesn't seem quite as foreign. Last week I joined a gym and even went four times. I was tired of talking about stress management, and not doing anything. I actually wrote my English paper. It was totally intimidating. Not because I don't think I can write, but because I want to do well, and when there are specific parameters for a paper I get concerned that I can't or won't be able to follow directions. Did you know that about me? I really despise doing what I'm told. I collect cookbooks, but make my own recipes. I try to eat healthy, but can't go more than three hours trying to follow a "food plan". For reasons that have not been fully explored, I really hate being told what to do. So, It always feels like a big accomplishment when I follow directions. I even submitted my paper. I almost forgot to do that, there is probably a profound life lesson in there somewhere, but I haven't dug that deep quite yet. I hope this week I can add another positive habit, and that the twitch in my eye goes away, but I'm kind of afraid that it will be a while before that happens!

Doubt is part of the process, I guess.

Today I feel guilty. My house is a wreck. I'm torn between cleaning it and writing my paper and studying for my Spanish test. I have a stupendous headache, and I'm sure many of the emotions bubbling to the surface are hormone induced. If you don't know what I mean, well, lucky you.

I went out for valentines day with my sweetie last night and had a great time until I let those feelings of guilt and worry about being away from the kids, again, filter in and turn things a bit sour. It's tough for me to reconcile two things I know are right, but seem to conflict. Logically I know the kids are doing fine. My oldest children are able bodied and willing to support me in this endeavor I call school. I worry a lot about putting too much on their young shoulders. Will too much responsibility turn into a burden, or will it help them learn life lessons that only responsibility can teach?  I imagine this is what every mother struggles with ultimately. The need to teach our children and the desire to protect them.   I worry about the things that only a mother notices. If I'm so caught up in tests, papers, class, discussion boards and assignments am I really capable of catching those things that only a mother notices. I worry about the things I will inevitably let slip through the cracks and won't realize until it's obvious, and obviously way to late.

In about a weeks time I'll feel better. I always do, if you know what I mean. I'll be more optimistic and less whiny and worried.  I even feel better having gotten some of this out of my head. For now though. I'll just thank you for listening to my hormone induced worry. I'm grateful to my English professor for the assignment to blog. Until I sat down to write this I hadn't even acknowledged exactly how I was feeling. I used a dozen tissues, and cried for a while as I processed emotionally. Maybe you all know exactly what creates your anxiety, but I am usually to busy to stop and just feel.  Writing about these things forces me to feel them, and while I know they are deeply personal, I don't begin to imagine I'm unique in my worries.

For anybody who has gone through this journey, or is going through it, I'd love to hear your stories, advice, and encouragement.

Thanks,
Brenda

What's really Hard.

I wanted to feel sorry for myself yesterday.  I was feeling overwhelmed. I have two papers to do, one needs to be written in Spanish, thank you very much. I also have two exams on Monday, and a ton of everyday work for each class. OK, a ton is an exaggeration. I found myself thinking, THIS IS HARD!

Then I got to thinking about what is truly hard. Going back to school to fulfill a lifelong dream isn't hard. It's an opportunity. Not living your dreams, now that's hard. Writing a paper, no matter what language isn't hard, intimidating yes, but not really hard. Never overcoming fear, that's hard. Cooking dinner every night feels hard, but it's not nearly as hard as having nothing to cook. Balancing my family life and my school life, well it's kind of hard. Not as hard as not having a family, though. That would be truly hard. 

You see where I'm going with this don't you.  Enjoying life is all about perspective. Yesterday I had to chose which perspective I wanted to see life from. I hope I chose the best perspective. It takes a little bit of introspection, and a lot of letting go, but I really believe it's worth the time and effort to figure out what's truly hard, and what's an opportunity waiting to be recognized and embraced.

Discovering....myself.

My English text says that we write to discover what we have to say. I hope this is true as I wonder if what I have to say means anything. Of course the person it means the most to is me.  I'm learning a little bit more about myself every time I sit and contemplate what I should share, whether it's here on the blog or in the discussions we have in class. 
This week has been a little easier than last week. I've made myself go to bed earlier. I watched an episode of a favorite show. Today I took kids to the park, instead of starting on my Bio assignment. If I let myself I could become totally obsessed with all that I have to do. What I've decided to do is to let go of the obsession and shoot for consistency. Hard, I know! I think being consistent is always going to be harder for me than being obsessed.  If you've ever been obsessed with something you know as well as I that it brings fabulous short term results, exhaustion and burnout relatively quickly. I'm here for the long haul, this is going to take 4 years.  I can't afford to get burnt out, and I can't live the rest of my life if I'm always exhausted, and if  I get right down to the heart of the matter I'm doing this to enhance the rest of my life. Not to replace it, not to overwhelm it, not to forget about it, and certainly not to hurt it.  I know that things will have to change in my day to day routine, but some of those changes are long over due. I've read enough novels for a life time. It's OK to replace those with textbooks for a while. I've watched way more TV than is probably healthy. I can check out discussion boards for a while instead.  The time I have available now is precious, so I'll spend it on precious things, like outings to the park, conversations with teenagers and family dinners. The old stand-byes are still going to be there when I finish,and even when I'm desperate for an alternate reality for an hour, but if all goes as planned I'll have other things to do with my time after I'm done with school.